Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #7- Let’s Talk About SEX

I once had a gentleman comment to me that most guys won’t go to bed with just anyone, if he wants to discuss sex right away is because he desires you and that should be a compliment to women.  What is wrong with this statement? Maybe the fact that desiring doesn’t translate to wanting a relationship, just wanting sex and if he enjoys it maybe just maybe he will stick around for more.  I would normally address the following to the ladies but I have to also include the men, because believe it or not there are many true gentlemen who don’t want to be used just for sex and wish to have an authentic relationship. So guys and gals don’t buy into the six pack and the hot looks, if that’s all a person is selling it’s because that’s all they have to offer and nothing more. 

Discussing sex in a relationship is natural and healthy when the time is right and appropriate….. If you need to be reminded of the golden rule: “NO SEX before monogamy”.  Having all discussions lead into sexual connotations is a clear indication of a person’s intention.  Banking on the idea that they will in time develop true emotions for you and lead into a monogamous relationship is a big gamble that can result in disappointment and heartache.  Remember only allow what you are willing to accept.  Stick to your moral virtue and don’t compromise for no one, the last thing you want is to give in by emotional default and wake to have regrets. By human nature men are hunters and once they catch their prey and have feasted, they will move on to the next project; unless you allow time for emotional investment, then it becomes a wanted desired relationship.

The following are some clear indications that he may just not be ready for nothing more than a roll in the hay:

1. You haven’t had a first date and they are sending and/or requesting provocative pictures.
2. Shows no interest in wanting to find out about you and is too busy selling himself and his gadgets.  
3. His swagger is too pristine. A player knows how to go in for the kill without flaw and it starts with the direct eye contact.  A guy, who is interested in you, for more than just the sex, will be slightly off key and nervously fumble his words.  
4. Refuses or avoids discussing personal matters or serious topics.
5. He turns into an octopus on the first date.  No cares for the impression he is leaving with you, why would he, he just wants to hit it and quit it!
6. No phone call after sex on a first date. Don’t kid yourself to believe he is just being shy or playing hard to get.  Just means he is done and got what he needed.

So buyer beware, take a good look at what is being sold to you!

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #6- Drinking on a First Date

You really like this guy and thus far from every conversation you have had, along with his endearing smile and personality, you see a glimpse of romance upon the horizon.  The big date night arrives along with the chains of nerves, but no worries one drink will loosen everything up and unlock the free spirited socialite in you.  As the evening progresses so does the number of drinks you pound, from one, then two and you go for the gold and polish the night with four fuzzy navel cocktails, unfortunately the only thing that is fuzzy are the words that are slurring out of your mouth; fortunately your date is polite enough to babysit you to soberness .

What do you think the chances are for a second date? If he holds high standards for himself, the answer is no way in hell; you just triggered the Red Flag Alert button….Eject! Eject! Eject!

The drinking rule on a first date should always be: 2 drink limit, whether you have a high tolerance for alcohol or not and even then stick to less concentrated drinks, such as beer or wine. The impression you give your date should always be that of classy, respectful and a positive confident woman. If you really like this guy the last thing you want is to reflect that of a drunken drama queen.  

A man will always treat a woman based on how she carries herself, if you want him to respect you then you need to act respectful and always be mindful of the risk factors involved when you compromise your ability to make sober decisions.   The last thing you want in an unplanned pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease or worse an uninvited sexual advance. 

So whether your a male or a female, over consumption of alcohol on a first date never compliments an initial impression. Know your limits and date responsibly!

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #5- Being Broke is no Joke!

It is understandable that times are difficult and almost every other person living in this planet is being impacted, one form or another, by a downward financial economy.  We all have had to make significant adjustments to our formerly opulent lifestyles.  A daily Starbucks is a thing of the past, now if we are lucky if we can treat ourselves to a tall latte on the weekends.  But with that said, there is no excuse for not having enough money to cover for your dating expenses.  Under no circumstance what so ever should you ever ask your date to assist you with a few bucks.  Yes we all know dating is not cheap, but if you focus your attention and narrow down your list of potential suitors to your top two, you can have a few great dates instead of many cheap dates; remember it’s about quality not quantity.  Your chance for scoring that second date will increase significantly.

Plan your dates accordingly to your budget. There are several creative date ideas that are romantic and cost effective; she will be more impressed by the effort then the fatness of the bill amount.  The following are some cheap daters do’s and don’ts to keep yourself #1 on her list:

1. DO NOT ask her to drive out to meet you. A true gentleman always offers to drive out to her area of residence, unless she makes the suggestion to meet you half ways; let it come from her and even then wait till at least a few dates to consider.
2. DO NOT ponder at the bill when it arrives.  Keep all the moaning and groaning to yourself.  Always, always, always have a plan B; just in case you come up short on funds.
3. DO NOT ask her to split the bill with you, even if the date has gone sour. Just suck it up and keep your badge of honor.
4. Always tip generously, show her you’re not frugal and you have an appreciation for customer service.
5. Show up with a gift on your first date. Doesn’t have to be anything elaborate, best things in life are free; a rose from your garden, a card with your own special poem,  a recycled book you enjoyed reading and now you want to share it with her, or a cupcake to indulge her sweet side.  A thoughtful gift will always melt her heart away.
6. If you want to go that extra mile, pay for her valet and tip on her behalf. Classy move!

The following are some inexpensive date ideas that will score high marks with your date:

1. Wine and dessert on the beach.
2. A picnic at the park.
3. A visit to a local museum.
4. A walk through your local botanical gardens.
5. Cook her a romantic dinner.

Just remember you don’t have to be rich to find the girl of your dreams just a little flair of creativity.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #4- Distractions, Distractions, Distractions

Competition belongs on the sports field, not on a first date!

The theory of dating, especially your first date, is taking quality one-on-one time to get to know your date in a more personal manner that will hopefully infuse an appeal for more.  Your attitude and behavior should always reflect attentiveness, politeness and graciousness whether the sparks are there or not; shows great character on your behalf. Always leave an impression of “WOW, now that was a great person”!

There is nothing more distasteful than spending an evening with an individual that suffers from “DDD”, Dating Distraction Disorder.  A condition that plagues many single Americans with grave symptoms ranging from lack of focus on your date and more on every other person passing you by and lack of conversation but able to text a book to who knows whom.  Allowing distractions to keep you from engaging with your date can speak volumes for your intent and misinterpret your character as; indecisive, disrespectful, unavailable, player like mentality and insecure.  If your buddies suggested it as a great game tactic to keep your date wanting more, well they lied to you and are full of crap! A true person of substance will not permit or behave in such a manner.

Quick tips for curing your “DDD” (Dating Distraction Disorder)

1. No matter how hot that person is walking by you never look, make your date feel like they are the only person your eyes see.
2. No texting what so ever. If you must, then excuse yourself to the restroom and finish your business in a timely manner.
3. Throughout the date reiterate some of your date’s interest or conversations to show attentiveness and interest.

Most importantly, always remember to treat others as you would want to be treated.

Just Keeping it Real.

Dating Standards: Deal Breaker #3-No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service!

Have you ever walked up to an establishment and notice the sign on the front window that read, “No shoes, no shirt, no service”? Reputable establishments need to uphold a certain standard as it reflects their quality of service; would you revisit a restaurant that allowed customers to dine shirtless or barefooted? More than likely not! Corns belong on plates not on feet.

The same principle applies to your dress code and hygiene when venturing into the dating world, giving the first impression is everything. People are hardwired to have initial attraction by what we see visually and the rest will eventually follow suit.  You don’t have to be the best looking guy or gal but if you polish yourself up nicely, you will have a great if not better chance than the attractive individual who presents themselves frumpy and grimy. 

I received an email from a reader who asked me if he was being to callous for not wanting to share a second date with a woman who had issues with bad breath.  He went on to describe the great commonalities between them, which only made his dislike even more questionable to accept.  

Being that it was only their first date, he felt uncomfortable with addressing the issue of her bad breathe and rightfully so.  If there are invested emotions and you really enjoy this person, then yes be upfront and address your concern in a very caring manner; approach it with sensitivity they could be dealing with a medical condition.  If all the elements are there, don’t pass up a chance at true love for an issue that could possibly be corrected with a splash of Listerine or a visit to the dentist.  Telling someone on a first date that their breath is foul can be hurtful and misread as “just not into you”, especially if you know there is no chance for a second date. 

The following are some tips to help you look your best on your first date, Remember if you want the best then be your best:

1. Shower and shave; ladies you too, pluck those chin hairs.
2. Wear a nice cologne/perfume, and not the whole bottle!
1. Top three colognes for men: Hannna Mori, Gucci Envy, or Eternity by Calvin Klien
2. Top three perfumes for women: Angel. Flower Bomb or Channel No 5
3. Tight is out tailored is in.
4. Don’t show too much skin, just enough to look sexy and classy but leave an element of mystery.
5. Brush your teeth, floss and have your listermint strips on hand.
6. No holes, stains or wrinkles.
7. No sweat shirts or pants, unless your date is at the gym.
8. Most importantly, dress appropriately for your date.  If you’re going to a sporting event don’t wear a cocktail dress with 5 inch stilettos.  

So remember to always look your best, it will let your date know that they were worth making that extra effort.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #2- "Talking About the Ex"

A person “Relationship Resume” is a direct reflection of where they have been, where they are now and where they are going.  Undoubtedly asking about your dates most recent break-up experience will provide you with a more in depth understanding of their relationship preferences and emotional availability. Knowing what is appropriate to ask and when to stop talking about the “ex” are key factors to successful dating. Remember less is better, over cooking the “ex “talk can burn the date to a crisp!

Ideally the only two questions that should be entertained are: How long has it been since your last relationship? And what caused the break-up?, Anything more than that can create awkward tension and possibly derail your chances for a second date.  Knowing how long since your date’s last relationship can determine emotional availability; rebound relationships stem from getting involved to quick too soon and not allowing time to properly heal emotional wounds.  As equally important is asking the root of the cause in a failed relationship, emotional maturity is cultivated through accountability and we all know it takes two to tango! The hope is that one would improve at their faults to avoid making the same mistake twice.

It is understandable that not all break-ups result in a fairy tale ending, but if one uses derogatory terms such as; psycho, bitch, whore, asshole etc…. to reference the ex, it can suggest unresolved emotions or bitterness.  And bitter souls are incapable of loving unconditionally.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER under any circumstance, compare your ex to your date, it is distasteful and again another indicator that you are still harboring unresolved feelings.

So keep it brief, to the point, and respectful and your date will be admire the great character you displayed.

We will discuss remaining friends with the ex at a later blog….a whole discussion in its own.

Just Keeping it Real!

Dating Standards: First Date Deal Breakers #1- Preparedness

You only have once chance to make a first impression so make it a great one and be prepared. Would you be fashionable late to a job interview? Never! So the same principles should apply when dating. It is understandable that certain unplanned circumstances can occur such as; flat tire, heavy traffic, lost keys etc..... So plan ahead and give yourself an additional lead-way. Always be courteous of your date's time and give them at least 30-60 minutes advance notice of your delay. Be specific and realistic, if you say you're running 15 minutes late, then don't show up 30 minutes later thinking it's acceptable since you gave previous notice. Remember communication is everything, anything can be disregarded; it's not the action that is measured but how you choose to deal with the situation at hand.  The key to scoring that second date is by showing great character!

On the other side of the coin is the Fault Finder, in which no matter how much effort you put into your apologies, they will shred you to pieces and keep going and going and going.

I had a reader share his story of a first date experience where he mistakenly showed up at the wrong location for a first date. He was very apologetic and communicated with her all the way through to the intended location; arriving 10 minutes later.  His date proceeded to reprimand him for over 20 minutes and refused to let it go, continuously bring it up throughout the evening. Red Flag Alert, if you cannot be compassionate and understanding in this circumstance, well more than likely the real life relationship issues will be dealt with much disappointment and frustration. 

So be prepared, forecast ahead of time and plan for unforeseen delays.

Just Keeping it Real!