I received a letter from this gentleman, and out of respect for his confidentiality, we will call him “Bob”. Bob went on to share his story of how he thought he had finally met the girl of his dreams. She was smart, beautiful and available. After about 4 months of courtship and a relationship that was on its natural course of progression, Bob felt it was time to share his deep sentiments with his girlfriend and he set forward to tell her that he loved her. That big day came and Bob orchestrated the perfect romantic setting for his declaration of love. When he finally said those three most powerful words in the universe, she nervously minimized the moment and not to mention his emotions, and said “you’re too sweet”. She tried to divert the conversation by quickly going into another unrelated subject; Bob stopped her and asked, “Did you just hear what I just said to you”? And she answered him, “I am not ready to talk about that right now”. Bob was devastated but remained calm and subdued with his emotions, he knew at that moment that things were not as he had hoped for.
It turned out that Bob’s girlfriend although she was physically available, she was not emotionally available. Prior to meeting Bob, it had only been a few months that she had ended her previous long term relationship. When Bob would ask about her past relationship, she would always tell him that it was irrelevant to them and the only thing that mattered was their future together.
Asking the right questions can be the key to avoiding potential heartbreak as the one that Bob had to unfortunately experience. Equally as important is your partner’s willingness to discuss their past relationship; if at most, when it ended and why? If they are reluctant in sharing, this can be a definite sign that there might be some unresolved emotions, hindering their ability to love wholeheartedly. Same can be said for speaking negatively about your ex. Part of emotional maturity is taking accountability for your actions that contributed to a failed relationship; how else can you possibly avoid from making the same mistakes twice?
Had Bob known that her last relationship had just ended prior to meeting him, he would have been able to make a better judgment of her emotional availability. Bob, without even knowing it, had become the “Rebound Guy”.
The following are some basic questions you can ask to determine someone’s emotional availability. Please be mindful when asking that they are streamlined into a casual conversation and not into an interrogation session, nobody wants to feel like they are on the hot seat; Remember there are no right or wrong answers. It is not your job to correct, just listen attentively and use your better judgment to determine availability and compatibility.
Have you ever been married?
How long has it been since your divorce?
When did your last relationship end?
What ended the relationship?
Do you want to get married again?
If not, then what are you looking for?
As communication continues you can slowly integrate all those other relevant questions into your conversations. Remember, the purpose or dating is to get to know someone in a fun and respectful manner that promotes “possibilities”.
Just Keeping it Real!
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